It's Murder, I say, MURDER!

Last night, boy was sleeping on the couch.

3am, I walked out into the lounge, because a) bed cold b) thirsty.

I was greeted by a bloodcurdling violent roar from Boy, mid-launching himself off the couch to attack, because he woke up convinced I was an intruder. (Or a ghost. He is not entirely sure about this, as he’d been having bad dreams about ghosts as my pale form wandered out…)

Thus, a few frantic seconds of “nonono, T, it’s me, T, it’s OK, it’s OK, it’s me.”

Hooray for being female and thus verbally quick – because otherwise, he and I are both reasonably certain I’d’ve been bodychecked in whichever direction was easiest. This would most likely have been into / out of the lounge window.

This would be sub-optimal.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the neighbours thought I was attempting to kill the lad, but fortunately no-one intervened.

In good news, the Sharkie car failed her warrant of fitness. Not with the over-one-thousand-dollars worth of engine work I’d expected – but with a blown park lightbulb, requiring only that the light fitting be removed for said lightbulb replacement.

I am thus OVERJOYED and THRILLED and HOORAH. The Sharkie is roadworthy and legal once more!

Originally published at kiwi geek. You can comment here or there.

The Internal Monologue

User: “I don’t see why! I’ve already rebooted my computer!”
Me: “Oh, that’s fine, ma’am. Can I ask when you did that, please?”
User: “When it first stopped working, before I went to my meeting!”
Me: “About two hours ago? That’s fine, but it’ll need to be done now as well, please.”
User: “I really don’t see why you have to do so many stupid things. I TOLD YOU ALREADY, I REBOOTED IT EARLIER, I don’t WANT to do it again!”
Me: I’ve been talking to idiots all morning. I can’t say I wanted to talk to another one, yet here we are.

Manager: “Why can’t any of you manage the simplest parts of the QA process? All we ask is that, at the end of a phone call, you ask “Is there anything else I can help you with?” and then say “Thankyou for calling”.”
Me: Would you prefer I say “Thankyou for calling” and have that heard, or be hung up on mid-sentence? Because that’s what will happen.

User: “Why do I have to do it this way? It’s stupid!”
Me: I entirely agree. It’s a policy created by management with no regard for real helpdesk or real customer requirements OF helpdesk, by managers who’ve never taken phone calls from people like you.
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I just have to do my job. The process is company policy.”
User: “You’ll just never see it from my viewpoint, will you?”
Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I just have to do my job.”
Me: After similar queries from multiple people, I probably see your point of view BETTER than you do. And, incidentally, shouting at me? Doesn’t get your problem fixed faster.

Manager: “You have a lovely voice and a good phone manner.”
Me: Thankyou. Should I take up working on a phone sex line? I hear it pays better than this.

User: “I need you to tell me where folder OLK11 is on my computer.”
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know, off the top of my head – I’ll need to run a search.”
User: “No, I’m not going to let you do that, you might delete my work.”
Me: “Unless I can search your computer, I cannot find your files.”
User: “Find a way.”
Me: Yes, ma’am, how about I send a proctologist to extract your head from your arse, clean the shit out of your ears, and then perhaps I’ll find a way by searching your computer for the files.

QA: “… You also neglected to close the call by asking if there was anything further you could assist the user with.”
Me: I was transferring the call to another agent, who was waiting on the line. Counter intuitive, no? Did I follow Script Monkey Central? NO?!? Ook, bad monkey, no banana for you.

Yes. They’re nasty. But oh it makes the shitty parts of the day go by easier.

You have to laugh, else you go nuts.

Originally published at kiwi geek. You can comment here or there.